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i write alot and stuff,
eventually ill get around to adding some things of what i wrote... gimme some time.. i put who each one is about on the top
of it. this is the first time im really sharing wat i write, i guess its a personal thing, but yea if u dont like it, or are
offended and shit, like these guys gfs... lol dont worry bout it cuz most of these are from a long time ago.. read the dates
b4 u get all pissed. u probably wont see any recent ones for a while, because i havent typed them up yet.
~~ 12/27/03 me is currently riting a book... yay... i was thinkin bout it for a while now
and still dont think im good enuf to even try btu what the hell why not... most of my shit makes more sense when its put together,
and yea i figured why not at least try and see wat it sounds like... but yea when i feel like it im gonna take all this shit
off of here and put what i been writing so far... grrr i need help and topics to start with man... im riting bout love, the
pain, the good feeling and all that shit but yea its hard to explain so im not sayin much bout ti to anyone yet, but me is
workin on it ;)
this is the essay i sent in for a 10,000 $$ scholarship... read it and lemme noe if u like it at oo_bluewater_oo@yahoo.com... it about kayleigh... i was gonna put it on her page but i wasnt sure so well whatever, here read it. i took a couple
lines or words or ideas and stuff from sandis page on kayleigh, but not that many. here goes it ...
Young Writers Contest
It was an upbeat day in January, with the snow
falling and the feeling of a start of a new year. A new year that was to be fresh, new, and welcoming, but what we were
forced to welcome, what not what we had expected.
We
received a phone call that would change so much, in our lives and in our minds. My cousin John called to say that his
daughter, Kayleigh, who was only 2 at the time, was diagnosed with Acute Myelogenous Leukemia M4 (AML). She was so young,
and no one had ever seen it coming.
Her family had moved
to North Carolina, after living in Florida for all of the three childrens lives. The first time the little girl had
ever seen snow, was the worst day of the familys life. Everything was about to change for them, and no one had expected
it.
Kayleigh was the first girl born in my cousins generation
for so many years, and therefore she was precious to everyone, and held a close meaning to the family. She was known
as the princess or the angel girl but no one had ever realized how true these names really were.
Once we heard the news, my mom, stepfather, and I drove to North Carolina to see her. We had traveled there on more
occasions during the time she was sick. To see this little girl, barely ever living her life, lying in a hospital bed
hooked up to so many machines, that she could barely even talk, was undeniably the hardest thing I will ever have to see.
She was so young, and shouldnt have had to go through what she did. It was hard to see her go through this, to sit in the
room with her and to pretend that everything would be all right, to pretend that everything was ok, and talk to her as if
there were nothing wrong, although we all knew different.
We walked into the hospital, not knowing what to expect. They told us to put a yellow gown over our clothes and completely
wash our hands before we could see her. We walked into the room, and saw Sandi, her mother, sitting next to the bed,
holding Kayleighs hand, and her father, John, just walking throughout the room, more distraught then we have ever seen him.
We looked at Kayleigh, and tears filled our eyes, she did nothing to deserve this. Sandi told her that we were here,
and she smiled. Before we left, she gave me a single wave good-bye. This wave has affected me in so many ways,
it meant so much more than a wave.
The day we
received the phone call that she had lost her battle with her sickness, we were all speechless. We wanted so badly for
her to get well again, but we had also wanted to keep her from feeling all of this, and didnt want to have to see her like
this anymore. She had lost her battle with this after the strong and held-out fight for four months and three days.
She was only 3, and no parent should ever have to see their child go before they do, especially at 3. She spent so many
holidays, and even her birthday dealing with this struggle. She was strong, and everyone knew it from the start.
She was also special, way before this ever happened, and this sad event made her even more special in our hearts; we loved
her.
A couple months after Kayleigh had passed, John
and Sandi came to New York to visit us, and I took Sandi and the other two children to my moms job in the city. There
was a man who was agitated at the front desk, and I suppose the person behind the first desk had helped us before the man,
and that mustve caused him to say this to us: You children have all the time in the world, dont you? Sandi replied:
actually they dont. The man never exactly knew what she meant by it, but we did, and no one ever realizes how right
she is, until they experience it first hand.
This horrible
event helped me to not take every day for granted, to make the most of each day I live, and to love someone a lot, because
you never know when they will be gone from you, or when you are gone. Even if you least expect it, things can go wrong,
for no explained reason, either. Kayleigh taught me a lot, maybe not educationally, but emotionally. That last
wave to me is the one thing that sticks in my head so much, and it keeps reoccurring in my mind, her last good-bye to me.
I didnt see her since then, and I couldnt see going to her funeral either, I didnt think I could see that, so that wave was
her last good-bye to me, and no good-bye I have ever had was as sad as this.
--Krystal Jost
~*~ 1-27-03
HaB
Hatred
is the
power that fills you, when the blood is rushing through you, when everything becomes deceiving,
when you have nothing left to feel, when everything surfeits and disgusts you. When
everything becomes distorted and unclear. Whether it be racism or and urge to kill, an urge to hurt
someone, hurt yourself. In the middle of anguish and despair. Abhorrence.
It's powerful, it hurts. I dont know what kind of pleasure this detestation causes anyone, even
to myself, i have no idea, but its there. The revulsion, the hatred. It
causes misery and desolation. But yet its there, the hatred. Filled with
fraudulent and decayed turmoil. Its unclear and hazy, the meaning behind my hatred. Maybe its my dsturbed and distressed life. Maybe bereavement is the satisfaction i long for. Not for someone else, but for myself. I give out advice to help others from reaching the
point of suicide, but slowly im getting closer to that point. It's not
too obvious, but its getting to be too much, slowly overfilling. People are starting to notice,
but not like its making any of them care more. I try to cover it, but its making the feeling
inside worse. I dont want to talk about myself to anyone, dont want to
make myself seem boring and self-centered when im really not. I dont want sympathy, i dont want
to be unstable and have to rely on someone. Although its killing me, keeping it in. One day this will all come through, i dont want to make myself susceptible and defenseless, i want to be tough and
stick through it. But its getting to be too much, the hatred i have for myself.
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